Discussion: does it matter what happens after a memoir? // joint post with my boyfriend

Memoirs are having a moment. From Britney Spears to Prince Harry, celebrity memoirs have captured the interest of the book community. There are also many popular memoirs from less-well-known people which have dominated the book sphere, like Crying in H Mart or Know My Name. But what happens after a memoir? Obviously all memoirs are carefully crafted stories, and they don’t reveal everything about the author. They are deliberately written with an arc in mind, and that might mean leaving some details out or emphasizing others. Can the events that happen after a memoir lessen the impact of the original work if they contradict what is written there?

My partner, Avery, knows that I love reading, so naturally we discuss books quite a bit. Recently, he brought me this question based on a book he was reading. I thought it would be really fun to turn this discussion into a blog post. This will be formatted as a conversation between the two of us, and I will let Avery start by explaining.

Avery: This question came up after I completed Cliff Stoll’s The Cuckoo’s Egg (1989). An important side-thread in the memoir surrounds Cliff and his partner, Martha. Cliff has commitment issues, but he’s been in a “free relationship” with Martha for 10 years, longer than he’s been with anyone else. The book ends with them deciding to get married, and Cliff—deciding to change his ways—writes the following:

… would I leave Martha if we were going through hard times? Would I leave her if someone else attracted me more? Was that the kind of person I wanted to be, and the way I wanted to live the rest of my life?

But in the afterword, written in 2005, one line caught me off guard: “Pat, my wife, isn’t mentioned in this book—but that’s another story, one with a happy ending.”

What happened to Martha?! I did some internet sleuthing but the best I could find was one article mentioning they had divorced. I do not know why they divorced, nor am I entitled to this information. Buuuut I still wonder why. The divorce answers the rhetorical questions that Cliff posed in a way different than originally implied. It unravels a previously resolved thread, rendering a completed story incomplete once more.

Delaney: So their romance and relationship was a big part of the plot, and now that you have this extra information the plot feels unresolved. What was your emotional reaction to it? Does it also make you feel betrayed or lied to by the author? Does it lessen the impact of that portion of the story because you know that it doesn’t last? 

Avery: I feel like I am on the short end of a broken promise. The discrepancy between written and actualized events makes me question the author’s character. Have you ever encountered something similar?

Delaney: I don’t think I ever have. Although I also don’t usually do a whole lot of research about authors after finishing the book. This seems like a special case where he shared this information in the later editions, so it was actually within the printed work itself that this change was revealed. I can see how it would be really jarring for the story to end with marriage to one woman, and then to turn the page and find he was now married to someone else.

The only similar thing I can think of is that a few years ago I read The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg, a memoir where she recounts a queer awakening that led to her leaving her husband and dating women. But she had previously published another memoir, Delancey, which centered her marriage with her husband. I haven’t read the first book, but I gathered from reading reviews that there were some readers who read and loved Delancey who were disappointed to learn that the relationship did not last.

Is it something about this specific instance that bothers you, or do you think it would detract if something similar happened in a different memoir?

Avery: I think it depends. If someone has a partner at the time the memoir is written, and then they have a new partner later, that isn’t really a big deal. In this case, it’s the fact that there was an arc, where she was the specific resolution, and no acknowledgement of the change later.

Delaney: So it’s the fact that there was no acknowledgement of that discrepancy in the afterword.

Avery: Yes. But again, those are personal details that I am not entitled to.

Delaney: The events of the book took place in 1986-1987, and then the book was published in 1989. Do you think he should have waited until longer after the event to write it so he would have more hindsight? Or maybe he should not have so strongly featured his relationship in the first place since it wasn’t really the point of the book?

Avery: The purpose of its inclusion is to make it a more interesting book; it would be quite dry without it. I think it is good writing to include it. And it makes sense she is included because she does have a key tie-in to the main thread. So I do not think that’s the solution.

Delaney: Are you still able to look at the book on its own and appreciate what is there, even while knowing this additional information? Or did it completely ruin the book for you?

Avery: The rest of the book is still informative, and I appreciate that. But one thing is for certain, this is going to be the thing I remember most about this book.

Have you ever run into an issue like this? Are you able to, or do you think you would be able to, separate the story of the memoir with the additional information that doesn’t line up with the original narrative? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!